WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO DO
Men, I am going to be making this point over and over again throughout the book: Each time you refuse to understand why your mate is feeling upset about something, whether you realize it or not you end up causing or exacerbating the very behaviors and emotions you dislike in her! In other words, she may not start out feeling insecureshe's just behaving in ways women do when they put love firstbut your critical reaction to her behavior alarms her, and then she does begin feeling insecure.
In my years working with thousands of women, and in the research and interviews I did for the book, this information is one of the most essential things women wanted men to know.

What Women Want Men to Know:
When you don't make an effort to understand a little bit more about why women are the way we are, you can unwittingly contribute to the very behaviors in your partner that you can't stand!

Remember the story I presented earlier about the woman whose husband didn't call her from his out-of-town trip? He couldn't understand why she was so upset and accused her of being insecure for needing to speak with him. Well, the reason she was upset was simple: She was imagining herself in her husband's situation, and she knew that if she had been the one who was out of town, and didn't call home for almost twenty-four hours, it would have meant that she was deliberately avoiding him, and that something was terribly wrong. She would have never not checked in with him, so she concluded that his not checking in with her meant he didn't care about her feelings.
Her husband didn't understand this principle. He just knew that she was upset, and this made him feel a bunch of feelings he didn't want to feel: that he'd done something wrong; that he'd somehow upset her, that she had certain expectations of him that took away his sense of being independent and free; that suddenly there was a problem between them. Rather than taking the time to understand why she might have been upset, or expressing his remorse for worrying her, he blamed her for being upset in the first place. It was as if he was saying: "You're upset because there is something wrong with you, and not because of anything I may have done or not done."
His wife received this message loud and clear. What was the result? It only made her feel worse, and actually created the very insecurity he accused her of. The more he invalidated her feelings and attributed them to her neediness rather than to her love, the more hurt and worried she became.
Guys, this story is a perfect illustration of why I believe you should be motivated to put what you've read here into practice. Wouldn't it be great to know that, by handling conversations or situations with your mate just a little differently, you could prevent many of the upsets and stressful moments that you dread in your relationship? When you try some of what I suggest in the following section, you will be amazed to see how well the woman you love responds.
Here's a summary of what I think are the most important points to remember about everything we've been discussing. Men, this is the section where you can really get the bottom-line information that will help you understand and get along better with your partner. And ladies, this is the part of the chapter you want to show to your husband or boyfriend even if he hasn't read the rest!
#1 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to invest time and energy into our relationship.
We want to talk to our man, be with him, work on staying connected.
We want to make plans, to create special memories.
We want to do whatever we can to make the relationship close, strong and lasting.
How Men Misinterpret This:
You think we aren't independent enough.
You think we are too needy.
You think we are insecure.
You think we want to control you by making you give us your time and attention.
What Women Want Men to Know:
Women think of love as our job.
That is why we always want to work on it, because we feel if things are not going well in our relationship, it means that somehow we have failed to do our job properly.
So when we are trying to talk to you about "us" or get you to make plans to spend time together, or when we seem to be too "into" you, it's NOT because we are insecure or needy; it's NOT because we are trying to control you. It's because we are trying to create the best relationship possible. It's because we are trying to improve and develop our most valued investment. It's because we are doing what our heart tells us is our jobto put love first.
What Women Would Like Men to Do:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how much attention we put into wanting to create a wonderful relationship, rather than criticizing us for how focused we are on it.
We would love it if you let us know you value our dedication and cherish our devotion as beautiful qualities rather than thinking we are neurotic.
We would love it if, when we try to plan time with you, you remind yourself we are doing this because we love you, NOT because we're trying to control your time.
#2 What Women Do When We Put Love First: We always want to work on the relationship.
We want to continually improve things, to become closer and more intimate.
We want to know if there is a problem, and then we want to fix it.
We persist in trying to find out how a man is feeling when we suspect he may not be happy with us.
How Men Misinterpret This:
You think we're too obsessive and can't just relax and let things be.
You think we are too emotional and reactive.
You think we're criticizing you and saying you aren't good enough.
You think we want to control you and tell you how to do things.
What Women Want Men to Know:
Women are fierce protectors of love.
Because love is so important to women, we feel a responsibility to maintain and protect it That is why we are always evaluating our relationship to see if there are any problems lurking about, or any issues we need to deal with, so they don't blow up into major stumbling blocks. All of the time and energy a women puts into trying to work on the relationship are just reflections of her commitment to love, and her commitment to youshe is investing in and attempting to protect her most valuable asset.
Women have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you "What's wrong?" or suggest we talk about a problem, it's NOT because we are trying to "stir things up" or ruin your peaceful evening; it's NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It's because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It's because we care so much, and don't want to lose you.
What Women Would Like Men to Do:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how concerned we are about the state of our relationship, and how diligently we try to pinpoint and eliminate tension and problems before they become damaging.
We would love it if you would see our desire to work on the relationship as an expression of our passion for you, rather than a sign that we are obsessed with making everything perfect and that we'll never be satisfied.
We would love it if you took the initiative to notice where the relationship could improve, and expressed a desire to work on it, rather than waiting for us to always be the one to bring up issues so we look like the "troublemaker."
How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here's a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you've learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a woman puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.
Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman's behavior when she is putting love firstassumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!
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Womens health